For my birthday this year I intended to write a post about my dreams. For no particular reason, I never quite got around to it until I came across this book that made me revisit my intention. ‘Becoming the woman of His Dreams’. That was the name of the book. No offense to the author or its readers, but instead of being inclined to dig into the book as I usually am with most books, I snickered, rolled my eyes and for all of the past moments I thought the statement was sweet or admirable I cringed. A quick perusal of the content listing did nothing to change my response.
“The one thing he can’t do without. Two heads are not always better than one. The longing of His heart. Don’t try to out man your man. Recharging his battery. Get creative”. I felt weighed down. Adjust, be silent, endure, hold back, give life, entertain, and repeat. The titles said one thing but what I felt in my core was another. I wondered about the thoughts of the author in the selection of the title. Was it a matter of leveraging the appeal that ‘becoming his ideal or dream” seems to have for many? Of course I would love to contribute to the happiness of a partner but does the desire to do so intrinsically imply setting out to become his ideal?
Is his dream or ideal a healthy one? Does it reflect who I truly am? How much of myself am I going to have to sacrifice or let go to fulfill it? Does it leave room for changes in my thinking and interests as I grow and experience life? Life is so funny and none of us are emotionally detached from the things we try to achieve. To become an ideal anything requires effort, mental, spiritual and physical energy and sacrifice and without our cognizance or admission even our self esteem is intertwined. If the day ever arrives that you do not meet the standard, then what? If the day arrives that your belief in something changes, then what?
Before anyone thinks otherwise, this isn’t about a lack of care for a partner’s preferences, what makes them tick or doing occasionally the thing they love. It is more about to what extent am I sacrificing parts of me, suppressing who I really am, how I feel, needed change or what I think, to become a partner’s ideal. For instance, I see other women sharing photos online of their baking and cooking with the hashtag wifegoals and all the “get you a girl that can” quotes. This is great, for them, but all I can think is, there are a thousand things that I would rather be doing other than cooking and baking and my lack of interest in being ‘the girl that can’ whatever is scary even to me.
It’s not about whether I am able to. It’s not about an intent to avoid suggested responsibility. It’s about being aware of the things that may be expected from me, as opposed to what sets me on fire as a person, what motivates me, what sucks my energy and how long I can go pretending that that isn’t the case. I would hate to be the one seven years into a marriage with kids realizing that just maybe my starting foundation was wrong.
I’m not giving anyone advice. Besides, if you aren’t dreaming yourself, then I can understand the ease of becoming wrapped up in the dreams someone else has for you. Where else would you find direction? Concerning myself though, I am most definitely a dreamer and I would rather spend my energies, efforts and limited time here focusing on, succeeding and at times failing to become the woman of my own dreams. I am willing to make adjustments, but to be anything other than who I truly am, unrestrained, would be an injustice not only to myself but to anyone that may come into my life in the future.
I know the opinion and fear of many is the ‘what if I lose out on a mate because I chose to’. To those persons that is something they would have to weigh on their own. I no longer live with that fear. If in the end my “ideal” or effort towards it is deemed attractive or a great fit to someone else then great. If it isn’t then it is still okay because to myself I would have been true.
With that said, what are the current dreams of this 37 year old single? In no particular order or category, here are a few:
Will I achieve all? Who knows. But am I pumped? Hell yes I am! It’s less about the attainment and more about the journey getting there. Oh and if you are wondering whether or not I decided to read the book, why don’t you make a guess.